(Wednesday 22nd November 2006)

‘Verdict On Devoted Dad Killing’ read the Press & Journal billboard outside Marks & Spencers. The devoted dad in question was Dean Jamieson, whose killers had just been found guilty of murder following a five-week trial. Seeing the headline got me thinking about dead people and the way in which we - the living - canonise them. If Dean Jamieson were still alive, would he be referred to as a devoted dad? Let’s look at the facts: While it should be noted that the father-of-four opted to stay at home and look after the kids rather than go to work, that makes him no different from the millions of other housewives and husbands who bring up their children while their partner goes to work. For example, I’m currently a househusband, left at home to look after my daughter while my girlfriend works, but that doesn’t necessarily make me a devoted dad. For all you know, I could be smoking crack and fist-fucking whores while the bairn clings to the bars of her cot and screams for a nappy change. Anyone can be a dad; to be a devoted dad however requires large doses of one essential attribute - devotion.
Dictionary.com defines devotion as ‘profound dedication…earnest attachment to a cause, person etc.’ Was Dean Jamieson devoted to his kids? Let’s look at some more of the facts: It was noted in the Press & Journal that the Kemnay father was prone to going on three-day drinking binges that usually culminated in him showing up at the house unannounced, skint, bladdered and in need of £20 to pay for the taxi that had taken him home. Does that sound like a devoted dad to you, downing ten pints and ten rum and cokes in the Criterion Bar, as he did on the nite of his murder, before attempting to make it home only when the money ran out? Surely a devoted dad would be at home tucking his kids up in bed and reading them a goodnite story. Of course getting pissed from time to time doesn’t make you a bad father. But neither does looking after the kids make you a good one. I’m not suggesting that Dean Jamieson didn’t love his kids; merely that the facts of the case don’t tally with the maudlin reporting of it.
Why are we, as a society, loath to speak ill of the dead? If all sinners become saints upon their deathbed, what’s the point in living a devout life? Far better to skull fuck puppy dogs and deal smack to school kids, safe in the knowledge that you’ll be canonised upon quietus anyway and thus guaranteed a prime position in heaven at the right hand of God. (If sinners do become saints upon their death, God’s right hand must be significantly larger than his left to accommodate all the thrones pulled up around it. Not to mention all the wanking he does. After going flat out to create the earth in seven days, he’s had fuck all to do since then but sit about masturbating.)
Of course ‘devoted dad’ Dean Jamieson isn’t the only victim to be posthumously bigged up by the media. A few weeks ago, the following piece appeared in the Press & Journal: ‘The airline passenger who led a fight back against 9/11 hijackers is among ten heroes to be hailed by Gordon Brown in a new book, it was reported yesterday. Todd Beamer is said to be one of ten 20th century figures chosen by the chancellor. Mr Beamer spearheaded a bid to storm the cockpit of United States Airlines Flight 93 - which crashed.’ Given that the plane crashed, taking with it all evidence as to whether Todd Beamer did indeed storm the cockpit, have you ever wondered how we can be so certain that he was a hero? Incredibly, it all comes down to two words that he uttered during an in-flight call to his fiancée: ‘Let’s roll.’ Then the call broke off and the plane crashed shortly afterwards. Based on these two words, it has somehow been deduced that Todd Beamer went on to storm the cockpit, attack the hijackers and attempt to regain control of the aircraft only to tragically die in his valiant attempt at averting disaster. As well as being feted in books and the media, his character has even been immortalised in the film United 93 including, naturally, the immortal line ‘Let’s roll.’ So was Todd Beamer a hero? Well, once again, let’s look at the facts: This guy was on a hijacked airliner that he knew was headed on a suicide mission straight for the nearest metropolis. Todd Beamer and his fellow passengers were fucked, whether they acted or not. So if Beamer did indeed storm the cockpit in an ill-fated attempt to prevent the aircraft from crashing, these were merely the actions of a desperate man trying to save his own skin. A hero is someone who puts themselves at risk to save the life of another. Todd Beamer’s death certificate was already signed by the time he acted. He had nothing to lose. In the end, his actions only served to bring the plane down prematurely. Had he stayed put, perhaps the plane would have crashed into a building, taking out even more innocent victims. Or perhaps the military would have shot it down and a few passengers might have survived. We’ll never know. What we do know is that Todd Beamer’s actions - be they courageous, foolhardy or selfish - didn’t make one shred of difference. If a man jumps into a freezing lake to save a drowning puppy but ultimately drowns along with the mutt, does that make him a hero? No, it makes him an idiot. Similarly, had Todd Beamer succeeded in his mission, I would readily join in the chorus proclaiming him a hero. But the bottom line is, it didn’t pan out that way and - albeit through no lack of effort on Todd’s part - it all went tits up. No happy ending, no handshake from the president, no hero’s welcome.
The rest of the world might have extrapolated on the basis of two words that Todd Beamer entered the cockpit and simultaneously entered into folklore, but not me. While it is certainly one theory that cannot be discounted, there is another one that I believe to be equally plausible: When Todd Beamer shouted ‘Let’s roll!’, he wasn’t urging his troops to storm the cockpit, but rather was expressing a desire to enjoy his final minutes in this life. If the complete transcription of his final call to his fiancée were made available, I think you’d find his words were actually ‘Fuck the no smoking signs, I’m gonna spark up a fat cone. The rest of you might be going down, but I intend to fly before I die. Pass the Rizlas and let’s roll!’
You may think I’m being a bit harsh on Dean Jamieson and Todd Beamer, but ask yourself this: Is that because I cruelly disparaged them? Or is it simply because the subjects of my mordant rant happen to be dead? Had they survived their respective fatal encounters, no one would bat an eyelid at a lighthearted blog at their expense. As soon as they pass over to the other side however, it becomes a capital offence to speak ill of them and their ilk. Well given that they’re not here to defend themselves, I’ll make a deal with you to even the score: Not only do you have my express permission to speak ill of me now, while I am alive and kicking, but once I rendezvous with the reaper, I urge you to diss, cuss, denigrate and castigate me. Piss on my grave; use my ashes to grit your path. Frankly, I couldn’t care less, cos by that time I’ll either be sucking Satan’s scaly pecker or smoking crack with Jesus and his homeboys. Whatever my fate, it will be safe to say that a few choice words uttered by the living won’t impact upon my decaying bones.
Whether they be alive, dead or in a persistent vegetative state, don’t saint the unsaintly and deify the ungodly. Oh, and one other thing: If you’re thinking of renting United 93 to watch action superhero Todd Beamer utter his immortal line before single-handedly kicking the terrorists’ asses, here’s a spoiler for you - Don’t bother. They all die at the end.