Although my updates have been about as frequent as my underwear changes lately, rest assured my interest in The Trash Whore Diaries is not waning. (Dirty underwear, on the other hand, has never interested me, unless it is of the Japanese schoolgirl variety and I am inhaling its heavenly aroma.) Frankly, life has been a bit hectic lately, what with my endeavours to obtain a proper job, be a proper dad and commit improper acts with my girlfriend. By the time the day’s job hunting is over, the bairn is sleeping, the missus sated and South Park finished, I’m too shattered to produce anything more creative than a Walnut Whip-esque spirally shit. And satisfying as it is to stand up and admire one's own handiwork, it’s not the sort of thing you can publish in your weblog. After all, for all its scatological references, the TWD is not Ratemypoo.com. So until tomorrow or the day after tomorrow provides me with enough respite to squeeze out a proper blog, I will leave you with these small crumbs from my over laden table of literary sumptuousness - the weirdest weekly search terms that have led the world’s freaks to my weblog.

‘Having caned her he put his cock into her vagina and fucked hard’
I should think so! After caning the bitch, administering anything less than a hard fucking would be a complete anticlimax. Canings followed by tender lovemaking just don’t work, and believe me, I’ve tried.

‘filling her white ovulating pussy with potent black cum’
I hate to break it to you, but it doesn’t matter how black you are, your cum will always be as white as the palms of your hands. Especially if you’ve been palming off into them.

‘whore charges for pissing in her mouth’
Tight bitch. (And by tight I mean stingy, not vaginally tight.) She ought to be paying me for the privilege of being coated in my amber nectar.

'how do i stand to poop in my nappy diaper'
Who typed this - a two year-old? Well if they can work the internet, I’m pretty sure standing to shit shouldn’t be much of a problem to master.

‘i want a baby but i've still not fallen pregnant’
Well you’ve come to the right place darling. Send me £9.95 in a SAE and in return I shall mail you 10cc of the manliest, most potent cum every to further the human race. 100% conception guaranteed, or I'll refund my money shot.

‘how do you deal with a crack whores past’
What past - the fact that there was once a time when she wasn’t a crack whore? You don’t. All you can do is load up another pipe, light it for her and then tell the bitch to start sucking on you dick to pay for the next one.

‘nite vision hidden blowjobs’
If you were to ogle a blowjob through nite vision goggles, would the cumshot look green? Mind you, my cum looks green anyway, although I believe the medical term for it is a penile discharge.

‘smearing faeces in toddlers’
Shouldn‘t that be the other way round? I mean, everyone smears toddlers in faeces from time to time, but smearing faeces in toddlers? What kind of a sicko would do something like that?

‘white trash sluts who fuck on there period’
I wouldn’t have said there was anything particularly remarkable about this search term were it not for the fact that the next person who accessed my blog did so by searching for ‘cleaning and hygiene’. Proof that there really is something for everything in The Trash Whore Diaries.