So. I got convicted of perjury today at the High Court in Aberdeen. It took the jury an hour and a half to reach a majority verdict of guilty. On 9th September, I'll be heading 'o'er the water' to Craigie. Or for those of you not from around these parts, I'll be off to jail. Bad news if you're me, but indifferent news if you're... well, anyone else in the world actually. As it looks like I'll have a lengthy amount of time to kill, I've decided to start writing The Trash Whore Diaries again. Yep, that's how low I've sunk. But then I've nothing left to lose. After all, my mind went a long time ago. And now my body's following suit. Thus far in life I have lost my job on account of The Trash Whore Diaries (cleaner at an all-girl school), I've been sent to prison because of The Trash Whore Diaries (this weblog formed a significant part of the prosecution case), so why not piss off some old lags on account of the TWD's? Surely being sliced ear-to-ear by a razor blade melted into a toothbrush handle at the hands of a disgruntled detainee is the logical conclusion to what has been an illogical series of events. Although the captive population at Craiginches are, on the whole, illiterate, that doesn't mean they're incapable of finding out what I'm writing about them behind their backs. I'm sure the police will do their best to ensure that the best bits reach the attention of those to whom it may concern. Although I never thought I'd admit this, the police and I actually have something in common; we share a mutual hatred for one another. But I'm not here to whine. I'm here to wine, dine and 69 you with all the things you have come to love and hate about The Trash Whore Diaries. Lesbians? Check. Beastiality? Check. Incest? Check. Prison sex? I'll check on that one and get back to you. In the meantime, sit back, put your feet up and switch off your brain. I'll be your conscience from now on. Let me guide you.