New mobile phones are being developed that are capable of sustaining a bomb blast. These handsets, manufacturers assure us, will be the most advanced yet. Despite these great leaps in mobile technology, the units still won’t be capable of receiving a signal on The Tube. Bad news for anyone set on surviving an Underground bomb blast and then using their impervious mobile to contact the emergency services. The other terror currently sweeping the nation, of course, is Happy Slapping, an equally misguided hobby in which the perpetrators video their crimes and then, presumably, surrender the incriminating footage to the nearest police station. How else could they keep getting caught? And just when you thought things couldn’t get any worse, there are reports of the media’s two current obsessions joining forces to unleash a new horror upon the British public - Happy Slapping Terrorists. The tricky task for the terrorists, of course, is trying to hold the (bomb-proof) camera-phone and the detonator at the same time. By utilising the latest convergent technologies, however, they have managed to overcome this obstacle and combine the two, to devastating effect. And who is to blame for these atrocities, you may well ask - Osama Bin Laden? Abu Hamza? George W Bush? No. It’s the Crazy Frog. That’s right - the new face of terror is a goggle-wearing amphibian, who has already assaulted the nation’s senses with his rebel-rousing anthem Axel F. Crazy Frog’s high-speed rhetoric is delivered in an indecipherable language that - for all we know - could be Arabic. Isn’t it time for the Crazy Frog’s hate-filled diatribes to be censored under the new Prevention Of Terrorism Act? But it may be too late - already his message has struck a chord with the monotone minds of the younger generation. And that’s what’s wrong with this country - we pay for these kids to go through school; we pay for them to go to university; we even teach them noble English pastimes such as cricket and gambling. And how do they repay us? By sending Crazy Frog to the top of the singles chart and then blowing themselves up. Is it any wonder the English cricket team is so devoid of new talent, with its most promising youngsters hell-bent on destroying themselves - and everyone around them - before they’ve had a chance to bat for their adopted country? With better education, these misguided teenagers might broaden their horizons beyond British shores, and blow themselves up elsewhere. Of course, elsewhere they may not fare so well. The majority of Arab countries got wise to the threat of terrorism years ago and introduced legislation requiring all would-be shoe-bombers to leave their footwear at the door. Perhaps it’s time for a similar practice to be rolled out across London, with an outright ban on shoes and suitcases. With nothing to conceal their bombs in, terrorists would be forced to traverse the streets clutching lumps of plastic explosive in their arms. At least that way we’d get a warning.


By Kai & Bob.