Did God ever intend mankind to engage in anal sex? If I was a Catholic priest, I’d have to say no. (Unless the asshole in question was that of a 12-year-old boy.) But if I was me - which, coincidentally, I am - I would have to say yes. Read me out on this one.
If we are to take God’s gospels as gospel, then there can be no doubt as to his views on slipping it in the out-door. In the bible book of 1 Corinthians 6:9 we read ‘Don't be deceived. Neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor male prostitutes, nor homosexuals…will inherit the kingdom of god.’
It’s there in black and white; don’t stab shite, cos if you do you’ll go to hell, or at the very least you’ll fail to inherit God’s Kingdom, and as everyone knows, God’s Kingdom is a cornucopia of fun, second only to Universal Studios and Neverland. In God’s Kingdom, you can have anything you want, anytime you want, for as long as you want. You wanna fuck prime ass for the rest of eternity? No problem. But to get there, you gotta be a good boy in this life, and if that means not putting it where the sun don’t shine, so be it.
If the bible, at Genesis 1:28, read as follows: ‘And God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth - fuck each one in the ass, yay give them one for me’, do you think we’d all be merrily plugging each other’s shit-pipes? Of course we wouldn’t. It’s called the wrong ’un for a reason. God didn’t condone anal sex in the bible because he wanted us to do it. And he wanted us to enjoy it. Think about it - why is anal sex so much fun? Because it’s tight, it’s dirty and it feels so wrong it must be right. (Plus there’s nothing more degrading than watching a girl sucking her own shit off the end of your cock.) If God had given us permission to engage in a spot of sodomy from time to time, such as during rag week (I love fucking other girls in the ass when mine is on the blob), none of us would do it. Because how can we enjoy what is essentially a forbidden pleasure if the good lord himself has advocated it? If anal was normal, we’d have found some other perversion to occupy our filthy minds by now, such as penetrating one another’s urethras. He’s a crafty one, the almighty, you’ve got to hand him that. I can just picture God sniggering, Beavis and Butthead style, every time a girl loses her anal virginity. ‘Bum-sex…heh-heh-heh…I invented bum sex…heh-heh.’
Many Christians claim to follow the bible rigidly, including its stance on homosexuality and the sanctity of life - that is, birth control. Ironically, however, in order to please God and please themselves at the same time, some of these believers are avoiding vaginal intercourse altogether and opting to stick it somewhere else entirely, a place where the sanctity of life and unwanted pregnancy aren’t pressing issues. That’s right, we’re back where we started - bent over backwards with our cheeks spread, invoking the lord’s name at the top of our voice. But God doesn’t mind. He’s in on this one, right up to the hilt. And he’s loving every minute of it. Just don’t expect him to tell you so.