According to the lead story in Saturday’s Press & Journal, ‘A staggering array of homemade weapons, drugs and contraband has been found in prisons across the north and north-east.’ And what exactly does this illicit treasure trove consist of? Well, inmates at Porterfield Prison in Inverness were found with ‘crude but deadly homemade weapons including a heavy weight inside a sock, razor blades fixed into melted cutlery and sharpened plastic knives.’ Woah, hold on a minute. Now I’m no expert on prison warfare (not yet anyway) but it sounds to me like the powers-that-be are reading a bit too much into the deployment of some perfectly innocuous everyday instruments. Let’s look at these so-called weapons again.
A heavy weight inside a sock - It’s obviously a doorstop. The prison shop doesn’t stock this essential household item, so the poor inmates have had to improvise in order to prevent their cell doors from clanging shut behind them. I’m sure that utilising such a device to cosh a fellow inmate would be the last thing on their minds.
Razor blades fixed into melted cutlery - Once again, this is a classic case of prisoners having to improvise. Nothing is more frustrating than buying a set of blades that don’t fit the handle you’d intended to use them with. Rather than waste a perfectly good set of razor blades, it makes sense to craft a homemade handle to fit. This way, there is no unnecessary waste and the innocent parties concerned can enjoy a comfortable shave.
Sharpened plastic knives - Everyone knows that plastic cutlery is useless, especially when it comes to performing such basic tasks such as cutting roast beef into bite-size chunks. Can you blame the inmates for deciding to modify these ineffective implements? The P & J article goes on to inform us that ‘Contraband items found at Peterhead prison include CD players, TVs, DVDs, a roof slate, a small screwdriver and binoculars… Banff and Buchan MSP Stuart Stevenson says ‘Two-thirds of the inmates at Peterhead are paedophiles who aren’t people who are used to using weapons so there isn’t the same problem.’’ Sorry, but once again I beg to differ. A shattered DVD could be used as a lethal ninja star. As for the roof slate, well - even if we were to disregard the damage that could be done by its sharp edges, one has to wonder where it came from. It may be wise, at this juncture, to check the structural integrity of the building. Are there any other roof slates, trusses or rope ladders concealed within the prison? What do you see when you stare at the slate-smuggling inmate’s ceiling - white emulsion or blue daylight? A small screwdriver, meanwhile, could be lethal in the hands of a paedophile. A fellow inmate’s pee-hole could be irreparably widened with such a device, allowing insertion of another man’s penis. And as for the binoculars, well, these could easily be adapted to form a crude endoscope.
The report goes on to suggest that these contraband items are finding their way into Scottish prisons because of the poor visiting facilities, which facilitate the transfer of illicit goods from outside to inside. Once again, I have to disagree. An acquaintance of mine, until recently, was interred in a Scottish prison. During his detainment, he decided to while away the time by doing something profitable - dealing. And how do you think his product found its way into the jail - was it passed across the table during a visit? Was it sewn into clothing? Was it thrown over the wall inside a tennis ball? No. It came from one of the screws. Those fine, upstanding, incorruptible figures of authority who run our nation’s prisons. The Press & Journal report concludes with the following quote from MSP Fergus Ewing: ‘…far from condemning prison officers I would suggest they are doing a great job.’ Finally - something that the inmates, the screws, the Press & Journal and I can agree on. If any Craiginches prison officers are reading this, I’d like to submit my requests now for September 9th, when I will be remanded by your good selves. I’d like you to bring me a mobile fone, a bottle of Jack Daniels, a widescreen TV and some numchucks. I’ll meet you on the corner of Grampian Place at quarter past five today to arrange payment. Don’t worry about getting caught - I promise not to tell a soul. Your secret’s safe with me.